Familial musings

It's a very unsettling feeling to find myself a long distance Grandmother-to-Be. Sad enough that everyone in my family is spread widely across the globe (excepting Kj who is really not far and I see regularly when she stops off to use the washer and dryer and raid my fridge), but really sad that I am too far away from Annika to be there while she experiences her pregnancy.

Even though I am her mother, I have felt a little outside of her life for most of it. We never really shared much of what was going on in her life. She just lived it, and I drove her there-- until I ended up giving her my car and was even less involved in her everyday affairs. Since she became pregnant she has phoned me often, and I treasure these moments. They are my contribution, small as that may be.

In theory, I would love to hop out to LA and visit her and share some pre-baby time with her. But let's face it. Usually when we are together we don't last long before we face off. Both of us want to get in the last word, and as we have proved many times in the past, it doesn't work. We have always just walked away in order to keep from doing or saying something that would be unforgivable. We might not last long if I were to come out.

Or would that all change now that Annika is about to become a mother?

I have to confess that I was estranged from my mother for the first eight years of Annika's life. The reasons were many. In part, because she and I could not see eye to eye about anything. But during that time I learned a lot about myself and realised a lot about what my mother had gone through raising me and my siblings. I also learned enough about myself to be able to reunite with my Mom with a whole new approach. A better one, one that has let us become not only civil to one another, but actually friendly. At some point in my children's young lives I realised that I did not want them to desert me for eight years while they had young children of their own, so I decided to set the example and keep in touch with my Mom. I phone her regularly and try to visit her at least once a year (not too hard if I also go back to NY as she is on the way North).

I never thought that a separation would occur because of miles, rather than emotions. I need to re-evaluate things and figure out how to rectify some of this.

Excuse me while I go contemplate this.