Diapers

Here I am, with yards of stretch terry, cutting out tiny little diapers and actually enjoying it. I love sewing and everything involved with it. Even when it gets exasperating because I haven't worked with stretch knit much and it is stretchy (natch).

Anyway, as I am standing here, cutting away, my mind is musing over just what I am feeling.

Jealousy!

Part of me really misses having little kids around and wants a baby. Oh, I know -- I can't even stand it when the dog gets me up in the morning, but that's not what I miss. The unconditional love from an offspring is amazing. You always have someone to talk to. Whether or not they understand or care doesn't matter. And they are tremendous entertainment. Ok, sometimes that is intertwined with grief and frustration, but really, kids are so fascinating!

I think about how I wish I'd done things a bit differently (though I know I did the best I could in the circumstances) if I'd only been better prepared. If I'd been more together, and less --oh, I don't know-- naive...

There are memories that haunt me and how I wish I'd acted differently. A calmer, more accepting me might have been more graceful. That morning I came down to find the girls painting with acrylics. I have no idea what wonderful creations they were making, I only saw the spills on the rug.

How myopic. How sad.

Yet, when my kids aren't hating how I stifled their creative spirit, they seem to be very creative. Kjrstn dances and Annika is writing.

I, on the other hand, am still squashed in an ever-so-tiny box, still trying to figure out Who I Am.